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Today I sucked helium out of a balloon, and tried singing, I finally matched the pitch of Justin Bieber in choir.

#843
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Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - School - by JBiebFan (woman)

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He said to me, ‘I can’t look at you when you have a pickle in your mouth.’

#863
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Sep 22, 2011 06:29 PM - Misc - by Tina (woman)

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I received an e-mail today from my teacher telling me that her dog ate my homework! And that she was sincerely sorry. Ironic...

#846
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Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - School - by SchoolBlows (woman)

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He asked if gravity kept girls from getting pregnant when they are on top.

#857
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Sep 22, 2011 06:24 PM - Misc - by Julie (woman)

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"They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of the bar."

#415
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Jan 29, 2011 09:00 PM - Drunk - by Carly (woman)

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You know how some people call a bra an over-the-shoulder boulder holder? My guy calls mine a ‘pebble holder.'

#866
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Sep 22, 2011 06:30 PM - Misc - by Kathy (woman)

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Me: If you are using my washing machine, why do I still have to do all of your laundry?
Him: "Look between your legs, what do you see?...Exactly."

#939
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May 24, 2012 10:54 PM - Love - by coconutlover (woman)

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"Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable."

#412
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Jan 29, 2011 09:00 PM - Drunk - by Stephanie (woman)

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On the first date, one guy said, ‘Do you mind if I break wind in front of you?

#870
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Sep 22, 2011 06:54 PM - Misc - by Sam (woman)

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My 5 year old nephew said that a boy in his Kindergarten class had called him "Dumbo". My Mom asked him how he responded to the kid and my nephew replied, "I called him a fucking asshole."

#839
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Aug 10, 2011 03:44 AM - Misc - by ImADush (woman)

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I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." Wasn't a pretty picture... :(

#845
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Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - Drunk - by StrippersSuckNow (woman)

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God I love America.

#428
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Jan 29, 2011 11:52 PM - Health - by FattiesAreFunny (woman)

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ShitMyBFSays.com Rocks!

#877
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Apr 21, 6812 01:20 PM - Misc - by Stickam (woman)

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He calls my boobs ‘beerbs’ because when I gain weight, I get bigger boobs instead of a beer belly.

#867
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Sep 22, 2011 06:30 PM - Misc - by Sunny (woman)

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Today, at my high school, my teacher announced that all the third hour classes would be having a door decorating contest for Martin Luther King Day. The boy next to me suggested that we duct tape the one black kid in the class to the door.

#849
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Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - School - by Payback (woman)

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One night I was leaning on his stomach and I guess my elbow was digging into him. He told me, 'Babe, get up. You're hurting my ovaries.' I think he was serious and I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

#856
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Sep 22, 2011 06:24 PM - Misc - by Christine (woman)

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My boyfriend says, "I was listening to you, but I didn't hear you." WTF?!?

#408
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Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Love - by mari_wink (woman)

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My man and I were out for a romantic brunch at this nice restaurant and he ordered a fruit parfait. When he was finished he said, 'It would have been better without the cantaloupe and antelope.' Turns out he meant honey dew.

#855
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Sep 22, 2011 06:24 PM - Misc - by Jordan (woman)

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"You seemed to be having a wet dream. Then you moaned more in your dream than when having sex with me."

#426
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Jan 29, 2011 11:31 PM - Sex - by Connie (woman)

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I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us - WTF?

#402
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Jan 29, 2011 08:26 PM - Love - by Cello (woman)

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