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I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." Wasn't a pretty picture... :(

#845
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Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - Drunk - by StrippersSuckNow (woman)

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I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us - WTF?

#402
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Jan 29, 2011 08:26 PM - Love - by Cello (woman)

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"If and when I visit texas, whether it be in a year or two, or the 10 year high school reunion...remind me to beat your ass and sit on you..."

#401
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Jan 29, 2011 08:21 PM - Misc - by Lola (woman)

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"You seemed to be having a wet dream. Then you moaned more in your dream than when having sex with me."

#426
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Jan 29, 2011 11:31 PM - Sex - by Connie (woman)

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I was complaining about me gaining weight, and having a fat belly, when my boyfriend said, 'hey, don't treat it bad ok, my babies are gonna be there someday"

#907
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Sep 5, 2012 04:46 AM - Love - by bigbelly (woman)

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Soon after we first met he said, ‘Please, keep your finger out of my butthole. Some chicks are freaky so I’m just getting it out of the way.'

#869
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Sep 22, 2011 06:54 PM - Misc - by Lisa (woman)

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A Man At The Gym Asks His Trainer " Which Machine Do I Need To Use In Order To Attract All The Beautiful Women " The Trainer Responds " The ATM Machine Outside "

#604
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Oct 22, 2579 01:09 PM - Money - by Allen Analian (man)

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Hey you want to go to Bally's? I just saw a couple of really fat people and thought of you and me.

#392
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Jan 29, 2011 08:20 PM - Health - by Paula (woman)

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My boyfriend says, "I was listening to you, but I didn't hear you." WTF?!?

#408
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Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Love - by mari_wink (woman)

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As I was walking into a convenience store, I held the door for a middle aged woman who was walking up. She said "Don't hold the door because I’m a woman!". I responded with "It's because you’re old." The look on her face and the laughing clerk was priceless.

#844
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Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - Work - by MenopauseHits (woman)

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He says: "Fighting zombies wouldn't be totally awesome, but it wouldn't be the worst way to go out either. Just saying."

#959
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Aug 2, 2012 01:01 AM - Misc - by Tamarhino (woman)

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(Went to Dallas for a church event.) Him: So have you found someone better at church? Me: Yes, Jesus! Him: A Mexican?

#400
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Jan 29, 2011 08:21 PM - Misc - by Allysa (woman)

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My friend was trying to convince me we could have casual sex and his most persuasive line was, 'It doesn't count as sex if you use a condom.'

#859
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Sep 22, 2011 06:24 PM - Sex - by Alex (woman)

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"Isn't this kind of what you did last week, baby?"

#419
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Jan 29, 2011 09:35 PM - Drunk - by Megan (woman)

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Today I sucked helium out of a balloon, and tried singing, I finally matched the pitch of Justin Bieber in choir.

#843
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Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - School - by JBiebFan (woman)

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He calls my boobs ‘beerbs’ because when I gain weight, I get bigger boobs instead of a beer belly.

#867
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Sep 22, 2011 06:30 PM - Misc - by Sunny (woman)

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You suck. What have you been up to? Besides working out twice a day obviously!

#393
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Jan 29, 2011 08:20 PM - Misc - by Myra (woman)

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Ex-bf: "Wow, you are as big as a horse!"

#407
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Jan 29, 2011 08:26 PM - Love - by Laticia (woman)

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I was in math class. I raised my hand and while the teacher was helping me, I got a text from my you and my tone is Navi from Legend of Zelda saying “Hey! Listen!” My teacher said without missing a beat, “Not now, Navi, he’s in math class.” Hilarious!

#838
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He's A Keeper! (13) - Dump His Ass! (1)

Aug 10, 2011 03:44 AM - Misc - by Zelda (woman)

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Today I was at a video game store. The kid in front of me was about 13 and trading in some games. The clerk opened a game case and the kid’s weed stash fell out. His mom was standing right next to him.

#842
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He's A Keeper! (1) - Dump His Ass! (4)

Aug 10, 2011 03:45 AM - Work - by DorkGF (woman)

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