I was out of town and my BF decided to throw a party. Saturday night at 1am, I receive a txt message: "What do you do when the pizza delivery guy passes out on your couch?"

I need to stop coming to work sober.

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker".

My boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset.

He sent me a picture of Buzz Lightyear and put "My love for (myname) reaches Infinity and Beyond"

"Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates. "

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face.

"Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good."

"Babe, you can't leave me alone when I'm high anymore. I googled "computer make me bacon" last night and was so high, I waited for 5 minutes."

He came on my face and told me to "bring a snorkel next time".

my boyfriend just told me he thinks they make paper from tree pulp....

Today I was drunk and met a guy standing outside the club, we went to my place and had sex. In the morning I asked him where he lived. He responded seriously "I'm homeless."

i called my b/f. asked what he was doing. his reply. "im sitting on the couch with my g/f"...im currently at home...alone.

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

I was doing a strip tease for my boyfriend. He told me to stop and put on some clothes.

u have the prettiest pussy i have ever seen come here let me make it purr for you

I can't get the taste of vagina and period blood out of my mouth

The bearded lady ate my chips.

My boyfriend came home covered in scratches. He says it was the cat. Funny/scary thing is.. he was drinking with my parents last night.