On the phone at night, my boyfriend suddenly says "I'm definitely dreaming of you tonight! But then again, it'll just make morning that much worse cuz you aren't here with me". *heart melts*

When my boyfriend was about to cum he screamed, "There can be only one!" No more Highlander marathons for him.

I'm not a hoe. You're the one with the vagina here.

He told me he carved my name in the wall. Why? That's the designated wall he wants to fuck me on.

I'm washing the sheets. I told you I had some backed up balls.

Me: Oh you left your closet light on. What were you doing in the closet? Him: I was looking for a phone book so I could fuck you while standing up. (It was true too)

So me and my boyfriend were messing around and it was getting pretty hot, when we decided to change positions, he got off and rolled right off the bed, the only thing he could say was "oops.." we had to stop right there.

my bf and I were having this amazing sex....right before he gets off he says I wanna cum on your face, As I am okay with that it's pretty hot...but when he spun me around to cum on my cheek it went to far and most of the jizz went in my ear, and when he finds out he says.. did you hear me cumming?

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

"Dude, just got a bj while wearing night vision goggles. Felt like a freakin sex tape bro!"

He bitch slapped his penis because it wouldn't get hard. Great night!

So I felt a vagina for the first time today. No lie, feels like a snuggie made specially for your penis.

He said he "kind of had sex before...barely" I think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.

So, right as he's cumming, he pulls out and goes "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, he missed completely.

My boyfriend to his roommate: I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isn't sound proof 'Captain Cock'.

Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers.

Your parents were awake and in the next room. I think I deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.

When my team lost all I could think about was taking it out on you with rough sex.

She said she wouldnt give me head again until we were dating, so I said we could date. 15 min later I broke up with her and went home.

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.