Please just talk dirty to me in some foreign language, I don't even give a shit what you are saying, just DO IT.

Turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen".

I shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth. He says: "Well that's a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth"

I went on a coffee date with a guy I'm interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl.

"Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good."

"At my boss' house for a BBQ. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare."

"I really love you but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal."

"Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs."

We had Thanksgiving with my family last week. About my brother's girl situation, he said: "Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt"

"I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day"

I had a dream that my boyfriend was being really awesome and kind and sweet; then he woke me up and made me feel like shit... "thanks" for waking me up sweetie

"I'm so tired from sleeping" he says. Looks like you didn't sleep long enough Einstein.

I walked in on my boyfriend eating a box of powdered donuts, laughing on the couch, watching FIT TV. He was really high!

"I think someone is doing something very wrong if they get herpes in their eye"

"Woke up in a football helmet, shoulder pads, and wrapped in a rug. Great night right?"

"Talking dirty on Facebook chat is the new phone sex."

I love sex and I can't get enough but when he says: "I'm sorry, but I'm just going to have sex with you", it isn't the greatest turn on...just do it and don't talk. Geez...

My boyfriend's beautiful 2 story house is a complete man cave...the whole thing! When I asked him why he had posters and framed football paintings (no joke) on his walls, he said, "I like having things up that you don't normally see in a house." Yeah...there's a REASON for that!

late night on the phone, "I really need you here to give me head. I just cant get off on my own."

"I always feel so sexually satisfied after pounding your vagina."