sent me this text: "started rubbing one out and fell asleep. GOD i'm a boring fuck!"

my bf and I were having this amazing sex....right before he gets off he says I wanna cum on your face, As I am okay with that it's pretty hot...but when he spun me around to cum on my cheek it went to far and most of the jizz went in my ear, and when he finds out he says.. did you hear me cumming?

me: "i watch CSI, i know the difference." him: "...and i watch porn but that doesn't make me an expert." good way to end a discussion babe, lol

Sitting next to Paul Wall at the Clippers game. Surprisingly, he's a dumbfuck to talk to. Good thing some people like his music bc he wouldn't be qualified to sweep floors.

I want to be like Steve Jobs, in the sense that every time I release something, it's a smash hit no matter how shitty it is, I mean really no dual tasking and no flash compatability?!? - He's such a dork.

Planning a bachelor party and I just found out the groom isn't supposed to hook up with the dancer at the party, this changes everything!

"You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld."

"You asked the officer if he could take you to the same jail as T.I."

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

So there I was naked in an elevator and it got stuck between floors...The maint. guy was like WTF!

I want those oreos so bad...I don't want to reach for them tho. From now on... it's oreos b4 weed.

His roommate to my boyfriend: "I don't care if you're halfway inside that girl, you WILL come pick me up."

"Dude, just got a bj while wearing night vision goggles. Felt like a freakin sex tape bro!"

He bitch slapped his penis because it wouldn't get hard. Great night!

So I felt a vagina for the first time today. No lie, feels like a snuggie made specially for your penis.

After I sucked him, he said "dirty mouth? Clean it up." and stuck a piece of orbit gum in my mouth.

He said he "kind of had sex before...barely" I think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.

So, right as he's cumming, he pulls out and goes "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, he missed completely.

My boyfriend to his roommate: I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isn't sound proof 'Captain Cock'.

She made my bed before she left. i think I'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done.