The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

"you're the only virgin i know with STD's"

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

"Hey! I don't need any comments for the peanut factory..."

Once upon a drunk night, my boyfriend and I were getting hot and heavy in his car, I was pretty shit faced so he took that into consideration that he can get me to deep throat more than usually. He put it so far down my throat that I threw up; but worse part was that he held the barf until I finished.

Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.

After me and my boyfriend have sex, he throws me off of him so that his cum doesn't get back on him. So yesterday when we had sex, i grabbed him and sat on his face.

In the middle of sex, he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... I'm gonna marry him!

I just sent a picture of my dick to my girl, her phone gave her an error message "attachment was much too large to be sent to your device"...Win?

If beer pong were an olympic sport, I'd be the Michael Phelps of this city!

Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?

Him: Wanna come to the party? :) Me: What's with the smiley? Him: Bitch don't question my happiness.

Yeah, so apparently I started yelling at the toaster. Then told the toaster I hated it. Then apologized. About 30 minutes later I ran up to it and promised it an elaborate wedding if it forgave me...

I'm surrounded by two cops...the freaking public piss squad musta been hiding in the bushes.

Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I gotta tell you something tho... I'm not really a doctor, I live with my mom and I'm broke as f*** :)

After going down on me, he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"...I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gonna be a second date. =(

i called my b/f. asked what he was doing. his reply. "im sitting on the couch with my g/f"...im currently at home...alone.

Bf: "Brooke's ass looks nice today." Me: My name isn't Brooke.