He calls me up late at night drunk. Him: "Can you come over and open my beer?" Me: "Why cant you open it?" Him: "I cant, my hands are busy doing manly things! I'm a man. The woman opens the beer..." I just hung up. Douchebag!

"You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld."

"You asked the officer if he could take you to the same jail as T.I."

So there I was naked in an elevator and it got stuck between floors...The maint. guy was like WTF!

His roommate to my boyfriend: "I don't care if you're halfway inside that girl, you WILL come pick me up."

So I gave my ID to the bouncer outside the bar. Turns out he was a hot dog vendor.

"I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one."

I repainted your walls with my cum. Peter North ain't got shit on me.

"I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'. Babe, seriously, you need to stop drinking so much"

"I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?

I was out of town and my BF decided to throw a party. Saturday night at 1am, I receive a txt message: "What do you do when the pizza delivery guy passes out on your couch?"

Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue...beat that

There would be less drunk driving in the world if Taco Bell delivered at 2am

"wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton"

We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building...All he said was, "Come on, it's 9am."

I either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. Could have been both.

I just woke up at my computer with $300 worth of porn purchased!!!

"I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies. "