Mike says "Hi, you're hotter than freshly used frying pans."

"I'll be right back" after about 12 hours I see him... "I gotta go"

Changing diapers is a woman's job anyway.

if you dont let me read when i poop, then you cant be drugged when you give birth

"I am really fucked up right now" but then no response for the whole night

My boyfriend was talking to one of my friends, Him: "Have you ever been out of the country?" Her: "No." Him: "Then why are you wearing a Hawaii sweatshirt?"

sent me this text: "started rubbing one out and fell asleep. GOD i'm a boring fuck!"

me: "i watch CSI, i know the difference." him: "...and i watch porn but that doesn't make me an expert." good way to end a discussion babe, lol

Sitting next to Paul Wall at the Clippers game. Surprisingly, he's a dumbfuck to talk to. Good thing some people like his music bc he wouldn't be qualified to sweep floors.

Planning a bachelor party and I just found out the groom isn't supposed to hook up with the dancer at the party, this changes everything!

I want those oreos so bad...I don't want to reach for them tho. From now on... it's oreos b4 weed.

My mom just found porn on my dad's comp and he blamed me, so no, I cant go anymore.

I stole my sisters weed and sold it to her friend...so I think I'm a drug dealer now.

My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)

I sharted in my sleep...I didn't even think that was possible.

I thought our fight was over when she said "I'll go get some lube". I am now lying on the bathroom floor trying to get icyhot off my dick. Pay back never hurt so bad.

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while I was taking a shit.

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker".

I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.

I woke up in your bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.