After I sucked him, he said "dirty mouth? Clean it up." and stuck a piece of orbit gum in my mouth.

I was sitting on the girl's porch smoking a blunt, her mom walked out and told me to pass it or get the fuck out. I think I'm in love with her mom now.

"Babe, I'm so stoned that the tinfoil i was holding in my hand startled me."

"Babe, you can't leave me alone when I'm high anymore. I googled "computer make me bacon" last night and was so high, I waited for 5 minutes."

There should be a national holiday dedicated to how high I am.

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

I think my penis got bigger when I lost weight...

"The smartest thing to ever come out of your mouth was a penis."

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

Four girlfriends; four cases of mono!!! Guess I got skills.

My boyfriend told me today, "You can kiss me if you're sick, but if I'm sick, stay away."

You suck. What have you been up to? Besides working out twice a day obviously!