Me: Watcha doing? Him: Thinking about how Imma fuck you Me: Wow that was fast Him: My words are fast but my loving lasts forever.

He was so embarrassed when he told me that he had to Google his feelings for me because he didn't understand.

u have the prettiest pussy i have ever seen come here let me make it purr for you

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He caught a guy next to him staring at me from the bar while he was getting me a drink, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, she's pretty f*ucking hot, isn't she?... Yeah, I know she is--that's my lady."

I dedicated my morning wood to you.

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style.

8 o'clock in the morning, he wakes up and says, "So, you want to go shopping this morning?" , "Yup", "You want breakfast first?", "mm-hmm", "Okay, you stay here in bed, warm and comfortable." Then he gets up to go make me breakfast!

I had a dream that my boyfriend was being really awesome and kind and sweet; then he woke me up and made me feel like shit... "thanks" for waking me up sweetie

"Talking dirty on Facebook chat is the new phone sex."

He sent me a picture of Buzz Lightyear and put "My love for (myname) reaches Infinity and Beyond"

My boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. F***

My boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset.

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the f*** women are actually trying to say.

Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.

Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?

i called my b/f. asked what he was doing. his reply. "im sitting on the couch with my g/f"...im currently at home...alone.

Bf: "Brooke's ass looks nice today." Me: My name isn't Brooke.

"I'd have to be retarded to be with you."

I knew you were the girl of my dreams b/c you orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.