My boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. F***

My boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset.

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school.

My boyfriend wont eat me out unless I shower first. He doesn't want it to taste like "vagina."

It's been over four years since I last had sex. And the last time I did have it, I payed for it.

my fiancee and i were talking about his ex being a slut and he told me "at least she was good to my piece of meat"!

The reason Halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.

A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume...that's when I cut you off

There should be a national holiday dedicated to how high I am.

At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. Does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?

the jolly green giant just punched the pope. Halloween is the best.

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

I think my penis got bigger when I lost weight...

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now!

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the f*** women are actually trying to say.

I'm dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

I know you're sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch.