"Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough."

To his roommates: "Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style."

We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.

I need to stop coming to work sober.

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building...All he said was, "Come on, it's 9am."

My BF to one of his friends: "Just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. No matter what a Google search would have you believe."

I either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. Could have been both.

He said he didn't have a condom. I told him that it was fine, I was ready to be a mom. He apparently forgot about the one in his pocket, and he had it on within moments.

I just woke up at my computer with $300 worth of porn purchased!!!

"I don't care what she did to you, we are not having sex in front of your sister. "

He only lasted 2 minutes. He said it was because I was so pretty. I'm not sure what to feel right now.

"I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies. "

Today when I saw that my boyfriend's Facebook said he was "in a relationship" with someone other than me, I asked him who she was. He replied "it doesn't matter, she lives in Utah."

After his last final, my boyfriend goes out for a night of drunken debauchery and comes home, looks me right in the eye, and says, "Tell me you respect my Pimp Game." I respect his Pimp Game.

While making out in his bed, my boyfriend pulls away, looks me in the eyes and says "I love you, mom"...ew

"I guess working with retards is the perfect precursor to hanging out with me."

An ugly guy tried hitting on me, and my boyfriend walks up and says: "Holy crap, looks like God screwed up. Don't worry you'll find an ugly girl that'll love you."

"Everclear doesn't get me drunk. It turns me into a raving lunatic."

"I'm not drinking in the shower anymore, because the last time I did that I woke up with no hair." Apparently, one time he passed out in the shower, slammed his head on the wall and got a concussion. His roommates, instead of helping him, came in and shaved ALL the hair off his body.

I was in the car with my bf and he was describing a book he was reading, "He describes each day he was in Vietnam. It's like a blog, but before blogging." Me: "you mean a diary?" Him: "...oh. yeah."