I just sent "my parents are gone, come over. I have condoms." to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out.

Vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors.

I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

He looked upset that I wasn't completely shaven. I reminded him he had begged and beggars can't be choosers.

I dedicated my morning wood to you.

"you have your moments when you rock my socks" aw thanks baby

"i swear to god if my lighter dies i'm killing myself.... but i think you like having me around, so i won't."

He was lying next to me and I saw him text "score" to someone.

I can't wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.

He came on my face and told me to "bring a snorkel next time".

So he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".

My boyfriend and I are in bed for the first time. I take off my bra, and out of nowhere, he goes "They're niiiice" in the Borat voice. Needless to say, the mood was gone.

Douche of an ex-boyfriend not-so-secretly asked his friend: "How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?"

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style.

"I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one."

my boyfriend just told me he thinks they make paper from tree pulp....

"Um... your butt hole is bleeding. Apparently my dick is slightly bigger than I thought..."

We're good in the birth control department until I see planned parenthood on your speed dial.

I repainted your walls with my cum. Peter North ain't got shit on me.

"I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'. Babe, seriously, you need to stop drinking so much"