The Shit Your BF Says or Does
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I received an e-mail today from my teacher telling me that her dog ate my homework! And that she was sincerely sorry. Ironic...

#846
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Aug 10, 2011 08:45 AM - School - by SchoolBlows (woman)

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I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." Wasn't a pretty picture... :(

#845
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Aug 10, 2011 08:45 AM - Drunk - by StrippersSuckNow (woman)

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As I was walking into a convenience store, I held the door for a middle aged woman who was walking up. She said "Don't hold the door because I’m a woman!". I responded with "It's because you’re old." The look on her face and the laughing clerk was priceless.

#844
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Aug 10, 2011 08:45 AM - Work - by MenopauseHits (woman)

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Today I sucked helium out of a balloon, and tried singing, I finally matched the pitch of Justin Bieber in choir.

#843
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Aug 10, 2011 08:45 AM - School - by JBiebFan (woman)

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Today I was at a video game store. The kid in front of me was about 13 and trading in some games. The clerk opened a game case and the kid’s weed stash fell out. His mom was standing right next to him.

#842
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Aug 10, 2011 08:45 AM - Work - by DorkGF (woman)

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The other day in Biology, my teacher tried to explain that semen is comprised mostly of sugar, a blonde girl in the back pipes up “then why does it taste so salty?” She promptly ran out of the classroom with the reddest face. So happy you aren't that stupid, baby!

#841
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Aug 10, 2011 08:44 AM - Sex - by Ashley (woman)

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My friend's brother is mentally challenged but still lives on his own. One day he called his sister and told her to come over quickly because he had trapped a gnome. She arrived there about 5 hours later and she moved the table, opened the door, there was a midget Jahovah witness in the closet!

#840
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Aug 10, 2011 08:44 AM - Misc - by ILoveIt (woman)

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My 5 year old nephew said that a boy in his Kindergarten class had called him "Dumbo". My Mom asked him how he responded to the kid and my nephew replied, "I called him a fucking asshole."

#839
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Aug 10, 2011 08:44 AM - Misc - by ImADush (woman)

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I was in math class. I raised my hand and while the teacher was helping me, I got a text from my you and my tone is Navi from Legend of Zelda saying “Hey! Listen!” My teacher said without missing a beat, “Not now, Navi, he’s in math class.” Hilarious!

#838
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Aug 10, 2011 08:44 AM - Misc - by Zelda (woman)

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So, my boyfriend was out of town for a few days to visit a college buddy of his... I get a text at 12:15am that says "Baby! I saw a tree that had a knot that looked like a vagina. I thought of you." Greeaatt.

#837
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Aug 10, 2011 08:44 AM - Sex - by Annie (woman)

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A Man At The Gym Asks His Trainer " Which Machine Do I Need To Use In Order To Attract All The Beautiful Women " The Trainer Responds " The ATM Machine Outside "

#604
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Nov 26, 2579 01:09 PM - Money - by Allen Analian (man)

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As we are sitting in my BFs bed after I just got him off instead of sex cause I was on my period and he taps my crotch and says babe I think its great!! That means no baby in there. The more blood the better I alway say!!

#490
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Feb 16, 2011 03:28 AM - Sex - by G.access (woman)

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So we are lying in bed after I just got him off because I was on my rag and he says: "Babe I think its great! It means theres no babys in there!" as he taps my crotch "keep it coming babe, the more blood the better I always say!"

#489
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Feb 16, 2011 03:23 AM - Sex - by G.access (woman)

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God I love America.

#428
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Jan 30, 2011 05:52 AM - Health - by FattiesAreFunny (woman)

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So last night my boyfriend and I are sitting around a fire with his parents and we were all pretty quiet for a minute, and then my bf's dad stands up and with this Indian accent says, "Me chief Hung Low, first name Hung, last name low" and proceeds to drop his pants and piss on the fire.

#427
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Jan 30, 2011 05:31 AM - Misc - by Ali (woman)

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"You seemed to be having a wet dream. Then you moaned more in your dream than when having sex with me."

#426
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Jan 30, 2011 05:31 AM - Sex - by Connie (woman)

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"I have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my hair trimmer."

#425
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Jan 30, 2011 05:31 AM - Sex - by Merriam (woman)

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"You shouldn't let your vagina make the decisions any more...it makes bad ones."

#424
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Jan 30, 2011 05:31 AM - Misc - by Ashley (woman)

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My mom told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time.

#423
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Jan 30, 2011 05:12 AM - Love - by Andrea (woman)

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"I was still so drunk when I woke up, that i put my foot in the wank sock I keep by my bed!"

#422
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He's A Keeper! (2) - Dump His Ass! (16)

Jan 30, 2011 05:12 AM - Drunk - by Alex (woman)

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