Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers.

Your parents were awake and in the next room. I think I deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.

My mom just found porn on my dad's comp and he blamed me, so no, I cant go anymore.

I stole my sisters weed and sold it to her friend...so I think I'm a drug dealer now.

My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)

When my team lost all I could think about was taking it out on you with rough sex.

She said she wouldnt give me head again until we were dating, so I said we could date. 15 min later I broke up with her and went home.

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.

So I gave my ID to the bouncer outside the bar. Turns out he was a hot dog vendor.

I was sitting on the girl's porch smoking a blunt, her mom walked out and told me to pass it or get the fuck out. I think I'm in love with her mom now.

I sharted in my sleep...I didn't even think that was possible.

I thought our fight was over when she said "I'll go get some lube". I am now lying on the bathroom floor trying to get icyhot off my dick. Pay back never hurt so bad.

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while I was taking a shit.

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker".

He caught a guy next to him staring at me from the bar while he was getting me a drink, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, she's pretty f*ucking hot, isn't she?... Yeah, I know she is--that's my lady."

I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.

I woke up in your bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

"Babe, I'm so stoned that the tinfoil i was holding in my hand startled me."