"Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay."

Ex-BF: "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us" - WTF?

(Went to Dallas for a church event.) Him: So have you found someone better at church? Me: Yes, Jesus! Him: A Mexican?

A Facebook message from an Ex-boyfriend: "if and when i visit texas, whether it be in a year or two, or the 10 year high school reunion......remind me to beat your ass and sit on you...."

"Yes, I fucked a duck."

You shouldn't buy me things. Save your money for unicorn rides or whatever it is girls spend money on.

I didn't think it was possible to out-queer figure skating, but look out! Here comes ice dancing!

Is there any kind of anal sex other than SURPRISE anal sex?

If you gave me a car made of diamonds and blowjobs all day, I still wouldn't drink that beer.

Look at this shit sucker. Or as they say in Mexico, chuprakaka.

You suck. What have you been up to? Besides working out twice a day obviously!

Hey you want to go to Bally's? I just saw a couple really fat people and thought of you and me.